Flushed Away

The first thing I heard when I picked up the girls yesterday was R saying she had a poopie accident. After a few questions I learned that it really wasn't an "accident" per se. She knew she had to go and she went. Unfortunately and unknown to her, she chose an automatic flush toilet...of course mid-pooh the toilet flushed. In her frantic efforts to avoid being sucked down into the toilet she jumped up, pulled up her panties and ran for her life! My hard black heart broke a little upon hearing this. I still laughed at the mental image though.

Anyway, I told her to get E or a teacher to go with her if she had to go poop after school. I asked E if this was ok with her. She sighed loudly and said, "I just wish I had a folding stool to carry to sit on while I wait." Huh? Will R take a couple of hours? Really?

I did inform R that she was way too big to be sucked down that little hole. I somehow don't think she believed me. Poor little Piglet.

So now what?

Let me just say up front that I am aware of my own oddity. My sense of humor is dark and sometimes juvenile. I am fascinated by things that a "normal" 41 year old woman probably isn't interested in (but whose to say what is "normal," right?). If I had my choice, I'd walk around looking like Lizbeth Salander. My life has been complicated - so of course in my opinion, I'm complicated and weird.

So having said all that and knowing I see myself that way, to find a partner who totally gets me - one that I could say anything to and completely be myself around, was a shock and so wonderfully amazing! To say that I loved this man would be the understatement of the decade. All the cynicism about love and soulmates had vanished.

But as is the story of my life, it got complicated. We had amazingly awesome times, and we had amazingly bad ones. He had his own issues, and no matter how much I loved him, my self-respect and children had to come first. I tried so hard to deal with (and even accept) the occasional name calling, the arguments, the disrespect. But here's the absolute line: how could I teach my two girls to be strong, confident women who don't allow themselves to be treated disrespectfully when they see their own mother being treated that way. When they see their mother not being strong. When they see their mother losing all confidence and self-respect.

Oh my God I loved that man. With my soul I loved him.

But I love my children more. So I ended it.

And now what? Where do I go from here?

Everything I thought my future was, isn't. I think of how the future might be now. Eventually that may include dating, which feels me with dread. Is there even a point? What if he was my one true fit? Am I ever going to find another man who completely understands me and doesn't think I'm a freak? Am I ever going to find another man with who I have that chemistry?

It's not that I want to go back, I don't. I just wonder if that was it. I can't imagine there is someone else out there who will fit me so perfectly. Who will understand me and my odd ways of thinking. So do I have to settle for less than I really want?

If I was going to do that, I would have stayed. And there is my answer.

I have to be ok with the idea of living alone with my dogs in my old age. Maybe I'll be ok with that when I'm ok with the thought of dating. Maybe those things happen when the cracks in my heart finally come together permanently. As it stands now, they keep re-opening.

As it also stands now, my girls have an example of strength and self-respect. One day, they will know that. One day, they will have to face a hard choice. One day, they will have to draw on their inner confidence. One day, they will have to kick ass and take names.

I hope they remember me when they do.

Not understanding

R had a play date on Friday with a girl she has known since preschool. They live just down the street around the corner. The girl's mom picked up R and took her home after school. This is the conversation later Friday night:

R: "Why don't we have a theater in our house like they do?"
Me: "You mean a big TV on the wall?"
R: "No. A big screen in another room where you watch movies and the screen rolls down from the ceiling. How come we don't have one of those?"
Me: "Well, we just don't have the room for one of those of course."

Room for one! I crack myself up. How about this: honey, we are poor. We will never have a screen that rolls down from the ceiling unless you get popped for a federal crime and can go to a nice white-collar prison where they show movies and not just county lock-up.

R is in kindergarten. Parents are asked to volunteer once a week, which seeing as how I work, I can't do. I told her teacher I would volunteer once a month. So yesterday was my day.

There are 4 kids at R's table, and I was in charge of her table. They were all working on their projects and R asked me if I was going to be there every Wednesday. Oh, here we go, I think to myself - the mom guilt. "No, I can only be here sometimes," I tell my sweet girl with sadness in my voice. She nods and says "Ok."

Wait a tic. Was that relief I heard in her voice? Certainly not. She definitely wants me there, right?!

Her teacher walks by at this point and says R's table gets a point because they were all coloring and on task. Of course, I give a whoop whoop and raise the roof!! I mean, a point is a point right? R points her finger at me and shakes her head no. I got reprimanded by my own kid, who is 5! Are you kidding me?

The table finishes their project and R tells me it's ok for me to leave. She wants me to go! I tell her I'm the coolest mom she knows but she's not buying it.

She really doesn't want me there. I can't figure it out. Maybe it's because I'm dressed for work and actually have makeup on. Not like the other moms there who were in jogging suits with no makeup on. I reserve that look for the weekends.

Just wait until that child is older, and I really embarrass her. I can't wait.

Found

A volcano erupts when the pressure builds too high. A cat will rip you a nice slash when it’s pissed enough. A strong woman will tell you to fuck off when she finds her self-respect again. She will remember who she is and everything that her life has stood for. She will know that no man who loves her would call her names in the first place. A strong woman’s friends will not let her feel alone. They will not let her feel shame. They prop her up when she starts to waiver. They loan her some of their confidence and strength to make it through.

Most importantly, a strong woman will never let her female children see a man repeatedly disrespect her. That woman teaches her female children that self-respect and confidence can sometimes wane, but will never leave you. No matter how white trash you are.

My New Life's Song

This about sums it up - although in regards to the "bitch slapping" lyric, this bitch will cut you if you slap her. Just so you know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYFNCenCZXI

When you live in a glass house...

One of E's friends from down the street is moving away. They bought a house - not in our overly priced school district of course. I'm sad for E because this friend was the one I actually liked. There is another girl living down the street - we'll call her "L" - who seems to tell E lots of things other people say. For instance, L told E that she "heard" a boy liked her. She also told E that some other girls called E "fat." Seeing a theme here?  Like E, L is 8.

L had to learn that shit somewhere. I met L's (newly divorced) mom and she seemed pretty nice. I saw her a couple more times at the daycare - I waved and she acted like she didn't see me and didn't speak to me either time. I can think of at least three times I invited L to play with E - at E's request. L hasn't been available - one time she was with her dad, another time I got a response many hours later by the time it was obviously too late. One time I invited the mom to have a beer while the girls played. Nothing. Did I offend her by offering her a beer and not a glass of Chardonnay? Who the hell knows.

So where does all this come from? Is it a product of living in this neighborhood? Just for the record, L and her mom are living where we live - and renting. She has nothing on me. So why the snooty attitude? And even more important, what do I tell E? How can I teach her that what other people say is all so much bullshit? Especially when she thinks L is such a great friend. How will E react when I tell her we are not going to ask L to play anymore until L requests it?  I don't want E to be the one always asking to play.

Just because we may be "that" family doesn't mean I don't have SOME mother fucking pride. Believe it. Also believe my first reaction upon E's crying that someone called her fat was to tell her to punch that little bitch in the mouth. You can take the girl out of the white trash town..........