Let me just say up front that I am aware of my own oddity. My sense of humor is dark and sometimes juvenile. I am fascinated by things that a "normal" 41 year old woman probably isn't interested in (but whose to say what is "normal," right?). If I had my choice, I'd walk around looking like Lizbeth Salander. My life has been complicated - so of course in my opinion, I'm complicated and weird.
So having said all that and knowing I see myself that way, to find a partner who totally gets me - one that I could say anything to and completely be myself around, was a shock and so wonderfully amazing! To say that I loved this man would be the understatement of the decade. All the cynicism about love and soulmates had vanished.
But as is the story of my life, it got complicated. We had amazingly awesome times, and we had amazingly bad ones. He had his own issues, and no matter how much I loved him, my self-respect and children had to come first. I tried so hard to deal with (and even accept) the occasional name calling, the arguments, the disrespect. But here's the absolute line: how could I teach my two girls to be strong, confident women who don't allow themselves to be treated disrespectfully when they see their own mother being treated that way. When they see their mother not being strong. When they see their mother losing all confidence and self-respect.
Oh my God I loved that man. With my soul I loved him.
But I love my children more. So I ended it.
And now what? Where do I go from here?
Everything I thought my future was, isn't. I think of how the future might be now. Eventually that may include dating, which feels me with dread. Is there even a point? What if he was my one true fit? Am I ever going to find another man who completely understands me and doesn't think I'm a freak? Am I ever going to find another man with who I have that chemistry?
It's not that I want to go back, I don't. I just wonder if that was it. I can't imagine there is someone else out there who will fit me so perfectly. Who will understand me and my odd ways of thinking. So do I have to settle for less than I really want?
If I was going to do that, I would have stayed. And there is my answer.
I have to be ok with the idea of living alone with my dogs in my old age. Maybe I'll be ok with that when I'm ok with the thought of dating. Maybe those things happen when the cracks in my heart finally come together permanently. As it stands now, they keep re-opening.
As it also stands now, my girls have an example of strength and self-respect. One day, they will know that. One day, they will have to face a hard choice. One day, they will have to draw on their inner confidence. One day, they will have to kick ass and take names.
I hope they remember me when they do.
